Ideas. Lessons Learned, and Occasionally, Opinions

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On December 30, 2016
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Mid-winter can be a difficult time no matter your life circumstances. The weather is colder, days are darker, and it can seem like life retreats for a while. This is especially true when you enter a new year without a beloved person who died. How do you cope? Here are ten tips for finding comfort in 2017. 

  1. Get outside. Studies show that nature is calming to human brains, and being outside can help reset your mindset. Schedule regular appointments with yourself to go for a walk, snow-ski or ice skate, hike, or do something outdoors. 
  2. Drink plenty of water. Staying hydrated is a great way to curb appetite, boost immunity, and maintain energy levels. 
  3.  Avoid excess caffeine. A cup of Joe in the morning is fine, but avoid it in the afternoon. Caffeine’s effects last for hours and can interfere with the sleep you so desperately need to maintain your equanimity. 
  4. Drink green tea. It has more anti-oxidants than blueberries along with metabolism-boosting benefits that help you maintain your weight, all with less caffeine than coffee or black tea.
  5. Help someone else. Even when you're sad, you have something to give that can make someone else's life more enjoyable. Consider simple things - donating an old coat, smiling at every clerk you encounter in the store, or paying it forward in the coffee or fast food line. Mix in volunteer opportunities like serving in a soup kitchen, tutoring kids at school, working on a charity fund-raising event, or anything that gets you outside of yourself to make a difference in someone else’s life. 
  6. Find time to relax. Take a bath with Epsom salts and essential oils. If a bath isn’t your thing, get a massage. Or just take a few minutes to breathe deeply and consciously relax your mind and body. 
  7. Exercise. Even moderate exercise releases “feel-good” endorphins, focuses your mind, reduces depression, and helps you process your post-holiday and new-year feelings. In fact, some researchers are proposing exercise in place of anti-depressant medication, with studies showing that it can be just as effective.
  8. Take time to socialize. Don't assume your friends know how you feel or what you need. Take the guess work out by letting them know what would be helpful. At the same time, it’s OK to ignore all their well-meaning but misguided advice. Actively reach out and work to retain old friends even as you build new ones with people who understand your grief and offer hope. 
  9. Break up the usual routine by taking a day trip. Choose a place you've never been, explore a museum at your leisure, attend an interesting seminar, or learn something new. 
  10.  Practice gratitude and graciousness. Every evening list at least three things for which you are grateful from that day. Let go of hurts from the past and forgive those who don’t understand or who have hurt you. Carry a thankful attitude into the new year. Any of these things can help. Do as many of them as your energy level allows, and commit to doing more as the year progresses. Even in the midst of loss, life is worth living. It holds surprises and yes, even joy, for those who choose to engage. Don’t let death win. Choose life. May your new year hold healing, peace, growth, and hope.
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On November 28, 2016
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It’s almost time to send out holiday greetings to your clients. Yet what if your client’s family member died this year? If you send them a card wishing "Happy Holidays", then at best you tell them you treat your clients generically, sending the same card regardless. At worst, it lets them know you don’t understand at all and, like the rest of society, expect them to paste on a smiley-face and “be happy for the sake of the season”. In either case, the card heads straight to the trash, never to be remembered. 

It is never a good idea to wish “Happy Holidays” to people going through the toughest time of their lives. Instead, you can offer authenticity and genuine comfort, distinguishing yourself from everyone else and helping your client at the same time. The first step is to choose a card that does not say Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, etc. Choose one that either has no words or that wishes peace or hope. Then include a hand-written note inside and consider including a gift card for a cup of coffee, a movie, a massage, or something else comforting.  

Here are some possibilities: 

  • “Wishing you Happy Holidays at a time like this seems hollow. Instead, I wish you peace. I wish you healing. I wish you hope.”
  • “During the holiday season, [name]’s absence is sure to be painful. It may be made even worse because most of the people around you will be afraid to say [his/her] name for fear of making you sad. I know I can’t make that void disappear, but I hope you can at least catch a moment of respite with the enclosed gift card. I am thinking of you and remembering <name>, especially now.” 
  • “The holidays will bring a mix of emotions as you remember the happy times with [name] and yet mourn [his/her] absence. I hope you can allow yourself to experience it in your own way, acknowledging the happy and the sad, so you can come out on the other side with greater hope and peace. I’ll call you soon to check in and see how it’s going.”
  • “During this holiday time, I wish you moments of lightness in the midst of the pain. I wish you companionship of beloved people in the midst of the loneliness. I wish you healing as you learn to survive these days. Most of all, I wish you peace.”
This should give you some ideas to go on, so you can create personalized holiday cards that support your grieving clients in ways that others don’t. They will notice, and they will deeply appreciate it. From what grieving people tell us, that is priceless. Read More »
On October 20, 2016
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Imagine a client’s daughter was in a bad car accident and is now in the hospital for what looks to be an extended stay. You call your client and spend 30 minutes asking questions and listening as the client pours out the story. As you hang up, you promise your continued contact and support. Then what? How do you best fulfill that promise? Here are three effective steps you can take that are different than what most people do: 

  1. Create a hospital care package. Families are often reluctant to leave their loved one’s room when they visit, even if the patient is asleep. Yet hospital air is dry and there is little to do. Create a care package that includes bottles of water and juice, and snacks like protein bars, almonds, chocolates, and pretzels. Add puzzle books like crosswords or Sudoku (with a couple of pencils), and two or three magazines for light reading. If the patient is well enough for visitors, make a brief visit yourself and deliver the package. If not, call the client to get a time when you can drop it off at the home. 

  2. Offer to do errands or work that needs to be done. Examples: Mow their lawn. Pick up dry cleaning. Arrange for house cleaning. Drive children to activities. Make phone calls. Anything the family needs that you can provide. 

  3. Plenty of people will bring cooked meals to the house. If you wish to bring food, be aware of the family’s food allergies and preferences. Then concentrate on items that are less frequently offered - fresh foods like fruits and bananas, yogurt and/or cheese, milk or other beverages, eggs, salsa, hummus, spinach dip, etc. Also consider packaged goods that will keep for a long time if they aren’t consumed currently, such as peanut butter, crackers or tortilla chips, packaged popcorn, pretzels, or cereal. 

These items give families a range of foods for breakfast, lunch, and snacks. Each of these steps offers concrete, tangible benefits for the family of a hospitalized loved one. At the same time, they are things that fewer people will do, making your contribution even more notable. Use or modify these ideas to allow you to do the right thing for your client at a very difficult time.

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On September 15, 2016
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We do a lot of training at Corgenius in choosing appropriate cards and knowing what to write in them, especially when there has been a loss or life-changing transition. Countless times, people have asked me why I don’t just create a line of cards. That’s not something I have time or interest for, but today I offer you the next best thing.

I met Anne Kertz Kernion a couple of years ago and now I buy a majority of my cards from her company, Cards by Anne (www.CardsByAnne.com). These hand-designed cards are thoughtful, beautiful, and high-quality. Most agree with the principles I teach at Corgenius. And they are an incredible bargain at only $1.25 each. 

Another benefit - you can now get a condolence card with one of my quotes on the cover. Recently, Anne encouraged me to submit quotes for her consideration in designing cards. She then sent a mailing to her very large database and asked them to vote on a wide range of submitted quotes, promising that the top three vote-getters would be incorporated into cards. One of my quotes won by a landslide. (I even out-ranked Pope Francis! I don't imagine that will happen again!)

Of course, Anne's cards still don't solve the problem of what you will write inside. To learn more about this sometimes thorny issue, consider checking out my book “No Longer Awkward”, which contains over 100 texts that you can modify and use for various purposes.

So when you go to the Cards by Anne web site, you will see my card displayed there. Hopefully there will be more in the future. I encourage you to peruse Anne’s other cards as well. I suspect you’ll find yourself returning there again and again for both personal and professional purposes.

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On August 5, 2016
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Picture this scenario, which gets repeated all too frequently: 

A young man goes to college. Two months later he is rushed to the hospital and into the operating room for an emergency appendectomy. His mother calls the hospital in a panic and asks to know what is happening with her son. The hospital says, “I’m sorry; I cannot give you that information.” She says “But I’m his mother!” The response: “That doesn’t matter. For all of our adult patients, we can only give information to those authorized to receive it, and you are not authorized.” 

You’ve educated your clients on the need for a Power of Attorney for Healthcare (aka healthcare proxy) for themselves, listing who can make their medical treatment decisions if they are unconscious or incapable of making those decisions. Clients may also be aware that HIPAA forms, which they regularly fill out at the doctor’s office when they have appointments, detail who can have access to their medical records.

What most clients don’t realize is that their kids need to have these documents in place as soon as they turn 18. Then they are legal adults, and no one gets access to their medical records or treatment information without express permission. 

To avoid nightmare scenarios, take the following steps: 

  1. Ensure all of your clients complete the Power of Attorney for Healthcare, listing a trusted person and at least one alternate in case the designee cannot serve. Also remind them that when they update their HIPAA forms with their doctors, they need to include those same trusted people and perhaps other family members as well. 
  2.  Keep track of clients’ children as they age. Offer to start educating the children about financial matters as soon as they are old enough, so that over time they learn about building a budget, the value of compound interest, the cost of long-term debt like a mortgage or lengthy car payment plan, the benefits of regular savings, and the realities of paying for college. Then, as soon as they turn 18, make sure the now-adult children have a Power of Attorney for Healthcare, hopefully naming the parents as their healthcare proxies, and that they fill out the HIPAA forms at their doctor’s office.
  3. When an adult child goes to college, recommend that parents ensure the child fills out a HIPAA form at the Student Health Service and at the hospital in the town, listing the parents and perhaps other trusted family members as people who can have access to medical records.

If the aforementioned young man had these documents in place, his panicked mother would have been given full access to his medical records and the details of his situation. She would also have had the right to make treatment decisions on his behalf while he was unconscious and unable to make them himself. 

Especially given the state of our healthcare system, your clients and their family members need to take control of assuring who has access to medical information and the right to make treatment decisions. Addressing these areas with your clients helps you protect them and also extends your reach into the next generation. Any client who encounters such a situation will be forever grateful for your wise and prescient guidance. 

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On July 14, 2016
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A salesperson called me a few days ago. He was so convinced of the value of his product that after our initial pleasantries, he praised its attributes for several minutes. I asked one question and he talked on for several more minutes. His mistake was that he didn’t stop talking long enough to find out why I might need his product or how it could best serve me. He lost the deal because he knew how to talk about what he was selling but he didn’t know how to listen to me.

How does this relate to serving clients experiencing loss or transition? Like the worst salespeople, the least supportive advisors are those that don’t know how to ask good questions and listen. There is often a chorus of objections at this point. Usually they sound like these: 

  • I am a financial professional, not a psychologist. I’m not going to ask my clients about their grief.
  • I don’t want to make my clients cry in my office. That’s bad for business. 
  • I don’t want to get in over my head. I’ll ask questions, but only about investments. 
  • I don’t want to intrude into a client’s personal life, or force myself into areas where I don’t belong. 
  • If clients bring it up, I will be happy to listen. But the last thing I want to do is ask about their difficult experience. 

Sound familiar? Let’s look closer. 

First of all, consider the flip side. What are the consequences of refusing to ask questions? If you carefully avoid the topic and do not bring your client’s grief into the room, there is a big white elephant sitting on the table between you. You both know it’s there but you are trying to ignore it, look over it, slide it to the side, or otherwise pretend it’s not there. It adds a level of tension as you participate in the game of mutual deception.

This feels very familiar to grieving clients, because they encounter it everywhere. Most people, from family to casual acquaintances, don’t know what to say so they say nothing at all. They talk about anything and everything except the person who died. They try to cheer grievers up, hoping to make them feel better. The bereaved people, not wanting to make others uncomfortable, go along with it, but it feels inauthentic and they walk away alone, isolated, and unsupported. Is that how you want your clients to leave your office?

The minute you acknowledge the truth, the big white elephant disappears. For instance, you can ask something simple such as: “What do you wish people knew about what it’s like for you now, a month after Paul died?” or “What has surprised you about the experience of going through Paul’s death?” When you ask an invitational, open-ended question like these, the big white elephant disappears and the tension evaporates. They know you care enough to ask, whether or not they choose to accept your invitation and talk about it. They know you aren’t avoiding the topic or hiding behind your spreadsheets.

Additionally, if they do choose to tell the story and you listen with care, you offer them support they aren’t getting from others. You genuinely help and comfort them, and at the same time you distinguish yourself in the field. You build a level of trust and loyalty you can’t get anywhere else. It’s good for your clients, and it just happens to also be good for business. 

The bottom line: You have a lot to lose if you don’t ask; you have nothing to lose if you do. 

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On June 10, 2016
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Grief hurts—psychologically, emotionally, and physically. A duo of psychiatrists (Thomas Holmes and Richard Rahe) created the Social Readjustment Rating Scale (SRRS) after research with over 5000 patients. They found a high correlation (0.118) between stressful life events and physical illness, and their results were validated in subsequent studies. On this scale, the two most stress-inducing events are death of a spouse and divorce. This comes as no surprise, since these two events change every moment of one’s life.

What is surprising, though, is that three of the top ten are positive transitions, including marriage, retirement, and marital reconciliation. Likewise, the top twenty includes positive events like pregnancy, gaining a new family member, a change in financial state (for worse or for better), and changing to a different line of work (whether unwanted or, more often, a positive choice). Outstanding personal achievement ranks as 25th in stress-inducing events. We think of these as happy occurrences, worthy of parties and celebrations. Yet each one carries a high level of stress and grief as people move from one state of life to another. 

In other words, your clients grieve when they go through positive transitions as well as negative. Can you be the wise advisor who recognizes their mixed emotions? Distinguish yourself by asking good open-ended questions so clients know you understand in ways that others don’t.

A few examples:

  • “It’s wonderful to finally reach retirement, but you have to leave a lot behind as well. What do you really miss about your old life?”
  • “I know you’ve been looking forward to having a family for a long time. Parenting is not easy, though. Taking a guess, I imagine you miss things like a good night’s sleep or the ability to go out without carrying a minor U-Haul. Is that right, or what else have you found challenging about having a baby?”
  • “It sounds like people are reacting to the news of your divorce in ways that run the gamut from wanting to throw you a party to crying in disbelief. What do you wish people knew about what you are experiencing?”
  • “The new job is so exciting, but it has to be a real challenge, too. In what ways is your life different now, both positive and negative?” 
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On May 25, 2016
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Picture a scenario in which your client’s father dies after a lengthy illness. Countless people come through the services and say to the family, “At least he’s no longer suffering.” They intend to be comforting, to help the family feel better and focus on the positive. But that’s not what happens. Instead, what survivors hear behind those words is “It’s not right for you to be sad over his death. You should be relieved and happy that he’s out of pain, and instead you’re focusing on yourself. How can you be so selfish?”

The reality is that survivors are indeed glad he’s no longer suffering. They are also relieved that they don’t have to suffer any more watching him die inch by inch. At the very same time, though, they miss him. They long for his presence, his smile, his hug. At times they focus on the relief, and at times they are overwhelmed by the void. Death is a “both-and” event, both happy AND sad, both relieved AND lost. 

It is much better to acknowledge both sides of the equation. Instead of saying “At least he’s no longer suffering,” say “We’re all relieved that he’s no longer suffering. No one would want him to suffer. And yet, we’re really going to miss him.” Ideally, follow that up with an anecdote that illustrates the loss, i.e. “I’m especially going to miss his big bear hugs. No one could hug like that!” 

If you can't offer an anecdote yourself (many advisors have not met the father of their clients), then after you remark that no one would want him to suffer, ask the client for a memory: “And yet, your family is really going to miss him. In fact, tell me something you will miss, or some story you hope people will remember about him.” Using techniques like this to authentically recognize the intensely mixed emotions of grief demonstrates profound understanding and offers genuine comfort. Your clients will not forget it….nor will they forget you.

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On April 10, 2016
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You may have seen the news: We have another drug that is showing some promise in slowing Alzheimer’s disease. This is how it works: 


Beta amyloid plaques, or build-up of “sticky” proteins on the neurons, is one characteristic of the disease. Not all people who have beta amyloid plaques have Alzheimer’s, but every person with Alzheimer’s has beta amyloid plaques. With the aid of improved brain scan techniques that more accurately detect them plaques, one focus of research is to prevent, slow, or dissolve the proteins. 

Many antibodies have been in clinical trials for some time. Crenezumab, for instance, is showing some promise in early-onset Alzheimer’s. But recently another antibody called Solanezumab became the first one proven to show definitive results in slowing beta amyloid plaque build-up on neurons, at least temporarily.  


We are still a long way from a cure. There is no drug or treatment, including Solanezumab, which is capable of preventing or curing Alzheimer’s. All we can do is slow the progression of symptoms for anywhere from a few months to a few years. There is no “fix”. Sooner or later the disease takes over again. Yet every step helps. 

What can you do? 

  1. Note that research into Alzheimer’s is dramatically underfunded compared to other diseases that affect large portions of the population. So consider making a donation to the Alzheimer’s Association in memory of any clients who are diagnosed with or die from this cruel disease. 

  2. Include informational tips in your newsletters so you are giving your clients something besides just financial news. You can get information from these newsletters, from the Alzheimer’s Association itself or your local chapter, or from the government (see http://tinyurl.com/h4wmac4  or http://tinyurl.com/pj7gbbg ).

  3. Ensure that your clients and their aging parents have valid and updated advance directives listing the treatment they want or don’t want if they are diagnosed with Alzheimer’s or other dementias.

  4. Create a branded page of resources so you are prepared when a client is concerned about a family member. Include the names of the memory care facilities in the area and make sure you meet the directors so you can make a personal introduction with clients. Ask those directors for the names of geriatric care specialists and doctors who specialize in memory care, so you can have them on your list. Discover where there is adult day care and/or respite care available for those who hope to keep their loved ones at home. Research the availability of meal delivery services, bill payment services, in-home spa services (haircut, massage, manicure/pedicure, etc.), and any other services you find that may help patients or their in-home caregivers.

  5. Consider partnering with the Alzheimer’s Association and/or Corgenius to host a client education seminar on what to watch for, how to prepare ahead of time, and what resources are available if there is a diagnosis. 


    Remember, one in nine people aged 65 and over have Alzheimer’s disease and someone is diagnosed in the U. S. every 67 seconds. Inevitably, at least some and possibly most of your clients will be affected sooner or later. Prepare them now, and let them know you care about their lives and health, not just their money. 
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On March 28, 2016
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1201 Views
The population is aging and the ranks of widows, currently consisting of 11.3 million women, will continue to swell. This devastating transition prompts a high percentage to switch financial advisors or seek one out for the first time. They are aware that hundreds of thousands of advisors can invest their money, but they want more. They look for a competent professional who understands their grief and the challenges of their lives, and that is where they will place their business.

For future success, it is therefore crucial that financial professionals educate themselves so they understand the grief process and are equipped to communicate with and support widows. Use these five easy starting points to improve your service to widowed women:

  1. Ask good questions and really listen to her answers. Too many people tell a grieving widow they know how she feels, or they offer advice on how she should feel. Distinguish yourself by being willing to invite her story so you find out how she actually does feel. Ask non-invasive questions like “What do you wish people knew about what you’re going through?” or “What things have people said that were helpful, and what have they said that was unintentionally hurtful to you?” Listen well, and ask further questions based on what she tells you.

  2. Every time you talk to the widow, whether on the phone or in person, give her the next time you will call to check in. Grieving people are often anxious about becoming a burden to others. Calling anyone to ask for assistance takes courage and the willingness to risk rejection, both of which are in short supply. It is incredibly reassuring to know that you will call her instead. When you call, begin by asking what kind of a day it is for her and listen to her experience before going on to ask what questions she has for you.

  3. Act in straightforward ways that build her competence. Widowed women are afraid others will take advantage of them. Take great care not to speak in a condescending tone or to convey the impression she is incapable, deficient, or less than a full partner in the process. Assess her level of knowledge and educate her to the depth she desires. Keep her updated with easy-to-understand bullet points and summaries of your activities together, including the basic rationale behind them.

  4. Consider providing non-financial resource lists. Use input from clients, friends, and associates to build a non-financial resource-and-referral list. Then if she needs a professional service (anything from car maintenance to a plumber), she doesn’t have to pick someone out of the yellow pages. Remind her that your list is based on input from many people and you are continually refining it, so you look forward to getting her feedback afterwards. When you follow up, thank her for helping you make it easier for others in her situation who need services in the future.

  5. Be patient with her.
    Grief is a lengthy and somewhat unpredictable process, especially after such a major loss. Expect ups and downs, with frequent sad periods for months. Many widows describe the second year as even harder than the first, since the reality has fully sunk in and they’ve let go of so much, but they have not yet developed new goals or a meaningful purpose in life. Be among the few people who are willing to listen and support her over the long haul.

These are just a few of the concepts to put into practice so you can serve the ever-growing numbers of widowed women who will cross your path.

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