Ideas. Lessons Learned, and Occasionally, Opinions

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On January 18, 2019
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We teach about grief and transition, and usually our focus is on helping you to support and communicate with your clients. There is another aspect, though, because it’s not just clients who are aging. So are your co-workers and colleagues. As data from Cerulli Associates suggests, the average age of a financial advisor in the U.S. is now over 50. Only 23% are under 50.  

As a result, you need to learn the skills of grief support for your team as well as for your clients. A few things to look at:  

Do you have a compassionate bereavement leave policy? There is no federal law requiring one, but most firms give three to five days for an immediate family member. Consider expanding that to allow at least a week, and to include any relationship that is very important. For some people, for instance, an aunt was more influential than their mother, and her death has great impact. A best friend’s death, especially if it is sudden, can be as difficult as a sibling’s. Be as generous as you can with bereavement leave in your office.  

When someone returns from bereavement leave, don’t ignore what just happened. Hug. Have a big box of tissues and a card on the person’s desk, perhaps with a little comfort food like a small box of chocolates. Ask what it’s like now, a week after the funeral, and listen to the stories.  

Give more flexibility and support than usual for at least a month or two, recognizing the normal lack of focus and the up-and-down nature of grief. Allow a more flexible work schedule, more breaks, and a back-up person to catch errors that may occur (with assurance that performance reviews won’t suffer during this time).  

Continue to check in regularly, saying the name of the one who died. Be particularly mindful of days like a birthday or wedding anniversary, and do something such as taking the grieving person to coffee or bringing in a cake. Acknowledge the void of such a day, while trying to make it a little easier to bear. 

You can get more information on how to support your colleagues by reading this article that appeared in the Chicago Tribune in which I am interviewed.  
Resolve that in 2019, you will learn to better practice effective, compassionate grief support for your clients, your team, and all those who are important to you. Make a difference when they need it the most.  

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On January 2, 2019
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The holidays are over and now you face winter with its longer, darker days. If you have recently lost a loved one, here are some ideas to help you get through and come out on the other side with greater hope and peace.

Mid-winter can be a difficult time no matter your life circumstances. The weather is colder, days are darker, and it can seem like life retreats for a while. This is especially true when you enter a new year without a beloved person who died. How do you cope? Here are ten tips for finding comfort in 2019.

  1. Get outside. Studies show that nature is calming to human brains, and being outside can help reset your mindset. Schedule regular appointments with yourself to go for a walk, snow-ski or ice skate, hike, or do something outdoors.

  2. Drink plenty of water. Staying hydrated is a great way to curb appetite, boost immunity, and maintain energy levels.

  3. Avoid excess caffeine. A cup of Joe in the morning is fine, but avoid it in the afternoon. Caffeine’s effects last for hours and can interfere with the sleep you so desperately need to maintain your equanimity.

  4. Drink green tea. It has more anti-oxidants than blueberries along with metabolism-boosting benefits that help you maintain your weight, all with less caffeine than coffee or black tea.

  5. Help someone else. Even when you're sad, you have something to give that can make someone else's life more enjoyable. Consider simple things - donating an old coat, smiling at every clerk you encounter in the store, or paying it forward in the coffee or fast food line. Mix in volunteer opportunities like serving in a soup kitchen, tutoring kids at school, working on a charity fund-raising event, or anything that gets you outside of yourself to make a difference in someone else’s life.

  6. Find time to relax. Take a bath with Epsom salts and essential oils. If a bath isn’t your thing, get a massage. Or just take a few minutes to breathe deeply and consciously relax your mind and body.

  7. Exercise. Even moderate exercise releases “feel-good” endorphins, focuses your mind, reduces depression, and helps you process your post-holiday and new-year feelings. In fact, some researchers are proposing exercise in place of anti-depressant medication, with studies showing that it can be just as effective.

  8. Take time to socialize. Don't assume your friends know how you feel or what you need. Take the guess work out by letting them know what would be helpful. At the same time, it’s OK to ignore all their well-meaning but misguided advice. Actively reach out and work to retain old friends even as you build new ones with people who understand your grief and offer hope.

  9. Break up the usual routine by taking a day trip. Choose a place you've never been, explore a museum at your leisure, attend an interesting seminar, or learn something new.

  10. Practice gratitude and graciousness. Every evening list at least three things for which you are grateful from that day. Let go of hurts from the past and forgive those who don’t understand or who have hurt you. Carry a thankful attitude into the new year. Any of these things can help. Do as many of them as your energy level allows, and commit to doing more as the year progresses. Even in the midst of loss, life is worth living. It holds surprises and yes, even joy, for those who choose to engage. Don’t let death win. Choose life. May your new year hold healing, peace, growth, and hope.
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